Reverend Mackenzie and Millie Beasley

 Rose remembers her rebellious stage:

I cringe at some of the stunts I pulled when I went through my rebellious stage. Like climbing out my bedroom window and stealing my father’s truck to drive to a bar in the city to meet Clel Lightener. Oh, Clel was the cutest boy at our high school. He was also the only sophomore old enough to get into a bar. I sat in the truck for hours, paralyzed with fear. I kept thinking to myself, “What is a simple Protestant farm girl doing in the parking lot of a gin mill in a flashy, fast-paced city like Tyler’s Landing?”.

I marched up to the door, and I ran right into Reverend Mackenzie coming out of the bar on the arm of Millie Beasley, wife of Emmett Beasley, our town’s most decorated war hero. Emmett received three Purple Hearts…all for head wounds. He ran the feed store in our town. ‘Course, if the truth be known, Millie was the one who had to make change for the customers. 

Oh, sorry. Anyway, Reverend Mackenzie made a deal with me. He said if I didn’t tell on him, he wouldn’t tell on me. So, I went home. He kept my secret, till the day he died. Which was two days later. Emmett found Millie and the Reverend skinny-dipping in the church’s fountain and he shot the both of them. A week later we became Lutherans.

Mr. Minky, the Town Librarian

Rose: Well, I for one, don’t think there’s such a thing as a totally rotten human being. I think there’s some good in everybody. Well, maybe she’s just one of those people that need to be shown some kindness like a fellow I knew back home, Ernest T. Minky. 

Ernest T. Minky was St. Olaf’s librarian. He was also our town’s only dentist. His office was right in the library where he could do both jobs at the same time. But everyone hated Minky! Well he seemed to enjoy great pleasure in giving other people pain. They hated him so much that nobody every went to the dentist or the library. In 1938, you could tell if someone was from St. Olaf. They were illiterate and they had teeth that looked like Indian corn! 

I’m only half done. One summer, I worked up enough nerve to check out the latest Nancy Drew mystery and Mr. Minky was stamping my book and his tie caught in the stamping machine. He’d have choked to death if I hadn’t cut his tie with my Girl Scout knife. Well, he was so overwhelmed with gratitude, he let me check my book out for a whole week! Oh, usually he’d only let you check a book out for an hour. Mr. Minky always said, “Books belong in a library.”

The point is, some people you think are mean might just need a little bit of kindness. 

Saint Olaf's Fight Song

Rose: I happen to have written songs before. I wrote the fight song for our high school. Onward St. Olaf, they still sing it. “Onward St. Olaf, onward we go. Onward and onward St. Olaf’s go. Go, go, go. Go, go, go. Go…”

The Boy Who Cried Continuously

Rose: Back in St. Olaf, there was a shepherd boy who tended his flock on the hill above the town. A wolf kept coming down and stealing his sheep, but the boy never caught him doing it. Because he never saw it happening he became known around St. Olaf as the boy who didn't cry wolf.
 

Anyway- one day the town’s people heard the boy on the hill yelling wolf! Wolf! They all figured if the boy never cried wolf when the wolf was there...If he yelled wolf now, it stood to reason the wolf wasn't there.
 

Sofia: Boy, nothing gets by you people!
 

Rose: Damn straight... it was a bear! A huge, ferocious grizzly bear.

Sofia: What happened to the boy?
 

Rose: He became known as the boy who cried continuously.

Gunilla Olfstatter, St. Olaf's Angel of Death

An excellent St. Olaf story, as told by Rose in the episode "Not Another Monday". Sophia has been asked by her friend Martha to be there with her when she commits suicide. After much debate Sophia decides to be with her, so she won't have to be alone when she dies. The Girls are trying to convince her it's the wrong thing to do, and that she should seek help for Martha instead of letting her die. Rose busts out this pearl of wisdom, not only for Sophia's benefit, but for all of ours.

Rose: Sophia, I can't believe you're doing this! This reminds me of the story of Gunilla Olfstatter, St. Olaf's very own Angel of Death.

Dorothy: Tell it, Rose, tell it.

Rose: Really? All the way through?

Dorothy: All the way through, but please try to make the end come as close to the beginning as possible!

Rose: Well, Gunilla Olfstatter was a nurse at Cedars of St. Olaf Hospital. One night she was taking care of Sven Bjornsen, and he asked her if she would get him some more mouth moisteners and then kill him. Gunilla brought the mouth moisteners right away, but the killing thing, it seemed to go against everything she'd been taught!

Dorothy: You're doing beautifully, Rose.

Rose: He begged and he begged and by her coffee break she couldn't stand it anymore, so she pulled the plug and he died. Well, she was wracked with guilt that night. Not only had she parked her car in a doctor's spot, but she was never sure whether Sven's pleading was the pain talking or the medication talking or the guy in the next bed talking. You see, the guy in the next bed was Ingmar Von Bergman, St. Olaf's meanest ventriloquist.

Dorothy: Rose, we are going somewhere with this, aren't we? I mean, if not, I'm gonna cut out your tongue.

Rose: Yes! Sven came back to haunt Gunilla. Since then, every Tuesday night at ten - nine Central -

[Dorothy slams her fork down in frustration]

Rose: ...she hears noises. Some say it's the wind, but some say it's Sven's voice whispering back from the other side, saying: "Turn around, quick! His lips are moving!"

Dorothy: [to Sophia] You see that, Ma? You kill someone, you end up being a Rose story.

Dorothy a la Barbara Kruger

I'm not sure who made this, but as the title says it's Dorothy, done in the style of feminist artist Barbara Kruger.

Also, it's awesome!